Tag Archives: relationship

it’s been a long week – and it’s only tuesday

Okay, so I really fail at updating my blog over the last week. Things have been crazy. Sorry blog and blog friends 😦

Travis and I had a hunormous fight the other night that very nearly ended in me walking the 600 miles home. It was a bad one. And while I understand his point of view, the argument only happened due to his inability to understand my point of view, despite how many times I have explained myself. And it’s really starting to piss me off. He has a tendency to be extremely inconsiderate and insensitive sometimes over certain issues and it causes a lot of stress for our relationship. There are only two things we ever argue about: sex and money. UGH – Men! But, we’ve worked it out (for the time being, at least), and both agreed to work on our parts of the deal. I think we can fix it… we just have to try a little harder than we have been.

So then, Vince (my cat) went missing for an entire day – I worry entirely too much about my cats. A couple hours I could handle, but he went missing about noon and wasn’t home by midnight when I went to bed. I was skeered, to say the least. Travis went out to check the door at about 4:30 a.m. and found him – in the garage, that we’d torn apart and checked 4 times already. Damn cat.

And then my mom told me she can’t hold up her end of the financial arrangement we made with her this month, which put us in a tight spot for our end of the month obligations. We did get Travis’s 401k check today (thank God), but all of the banks wanted to hold it for at least 5 days, and we have something we must pay on Friday, so we had to pay $80 just to cash the damn thing.

I did get to do a little shopping today though, and I will finally be able to organize my clothes, set up my closet and get my bedroom together. Plus, we’re going to the mall tomorrow – yay!!!

We went to Wal-Mart to obtain some caffeine, and I decided to check the clearance section again, just for kicks and giggles, and I’m so glad I did! I’ve been desperately searching for a denim button up, and I snagged a Miley Cyrus destroyed denim shirt for $7!!! I also picked up an L.E.I. yellow & brown & white plaid button up shirt dress for $7. How sweet is that? 🙂 There was a pair of shorts I strongly considered getting… They were white with a floral pattern. They came in two colors: blue or red, and both had a little yellow mixed throughout them. They were only $5… I’m going to the mall tomorrow, and if I don’t find something I like better, I might go back for them. I’m not sure. We’ll see.

But I am super excited about the denim shirt 😀

I do have some outfit photos to share, so I will be back with those either later tonight or tomorrow sometime. I finally got my sleeping schedule fixed, so I function mostly during the day now. Hopefully I can maintain this trend!

In the meantime though, I have a question. Remember the camo pants I wore in this outfit:
White button up & camo pants

Well, that day was actually the first day I’d worn those pants in, well, years. They’re not skinnies, so they’re kind of a pain in the ass to wear with boots, but they are really cute in this outfit. I’m considering cutting them off into shorts, and I think I would wear them a lot more often that way. Plus, that way I get more wear out of them in the summer while the military/desert trend is still hot. What do you kids think?


I’ve had better…

…days. Seriously. Today I just feel like poop.

playin’ some pool

Kohl's Brown Cardigan + Denim Shorts

Qupid Brown Oxfords

Kohl's Brown Cardigan

Vanity Studded Purse

Kohl's Brown Cardigan

brown cardigan [Kohl’s] green lace tank [Aeropostale] denim shorts [Vanity] brown tights [Wal-Mart] studded purse [Vanity] shoes [Qupid from Forever Young] wooden bangle & earrings [Charlotte Russe] necklace [vintage]

Vote for this outfit on Chictopia and on Mode Republic – pretty please??? 🙂

First time I’ve ever worn this cardigan, although I have had it for a while. Also my first true experiment with color & with the shorts-over-tights trend. I like it. Makes my butt look fantastic, although also seems to highlight the fact that I really need to work on some other areas. I wish I had textured brown tights, I think the texture would have given this outfit a little more oomph, but I think the solid ones work too. The purse is one of my favorites – got it for $5.99 at Vanity! And it goes with this outfit perfectly. I feel like I’ve been over-accessorizing recently, so I decided to keep it very simple with this outfit, just a casual necklace-bangle-earrings combo. Definitely felt like the right mix for this outfit.

As I said at the top of the post, I feel crummy today. Been here for almost two weeks, and I think that today has been the worst for me – I feel horrible physically, emotionally and mentally. I want to go home so badly I think I might cry. We have no money and I feel like such a burden to Travis’s already heavily laden parents. I wish we could contribute. And I hate being lectured. I know there are things I need to do, and I’m doing my best, but reminding me only makes me feel worse. They’re actually a lot better about it than Travis’s mom and step dad, but right now I am kind of fragile and even small doses of pressure seem to push me further toward the edge. I think I will feel better about the move once we find jobs, and once we get my pay check from DaVinci in Utah and Travis’s 401k money. Until then, I’m just going to be one massive ball of nerves knotted up tightly. Thus far, my plan has been to avoid Travis’s parents at all costs, but they both have a 3-day weekend this weekend, and that’s going to make my coping strategy difficult to stick to.

I think I’ll go for a walk tomorrow. It’ll get me out of the house and away from the pressure, so much needed fresh air and sunlight. Hopefully I can talk Travis into letting me go alone. I feel so cornered and alone here. This is his family. I love them, but I will never be a part of it like he is. I’ve always needed time on my own, to cope and to deal with my issues by myself, and I just wish he would understand that. I’ve always been by myself, even when I lived with my family. Some days I think I’ll always be this way: alone, stuck inside my own head, unable to truly connect with another human being.

Everyone always leaves. Usually it’s me.

feelin’ girly

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

Brown Ankle Boots

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

Brown & Gold Accessories

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

[shirt dress: JC Penney] [belt: Charlotte Russe] [tights: Wal-Mart] [boots: Charlotte Russe] [heart necklace, all bracelets, earrings: Charlotte Russe] [gold chain w/multi-colored beads: vintage] [cameo ring: Bebe] [pearl & gold rings: Forever 21] [pink heart ring: Hard Candy]

I *love* this outfit. It’s fun and girly and flirty, and makes me think of summer (which finally seems to be here!). The dress is loose and flowy, perfect for hot summer days. I wear it with tights because my legs are still extremely white (blindingly so), but once I’ve got a bit of color in me I’ll trade the tights for denim shorts and some summer appropriate sandals/wedges. I’m discovering in these photos that this dress makes my girls look much larger than they are – LOL!

The outfit I wore today was pretty damn cute too, and I will likely post those photos tomorrow. I’m on a roll 😀

Things are strained with Travis right now. He’s angry, and I have some suspicions about why, but he won’t talk to me about it – he’s just outright mean to me instead. I wish I could make him understand that I have been a walking anxiety attack since we moved. He doesn’t seem to care and has no respect for the fact that I need some time to adjust to living 600 miles away from my family and the people that I love. I took a huge risk moving down here with him, betting on our relationship and hoping that we can work things out. I still want that. But more than anything, I want him to back off, give me some space and stop being so damned mean to me. Is that so much to ask?

I miss my Mommy 😦

UGH – men!

OMG – he actually got pissed because I wanted to take a shower by myself.

He gets angry and upset any time I want to do anything by myself. He seems to interpret me wanting “me” time as me wanting a divorce… I have no idea how he makes that huge leap, but he does. So me taking my own shower is somehow a sign that I’m going to cheat on him and leave him.

UGH. Men. Whatever.

I have an interview at 2:00 this afternoon… Kinda feels like a waste of time though. I really don’t want to go.

New additions are forthcoming. I’m working on this while he’s taking his own shower… I wish he would hurry!

wrong side of the bed

Good morning! Just got up. I’m going to shower and get cute here momentarily so I can go to the mall and get my shoes 😀 I’m so excited!

T has managed to piss me off already this morning. We lost our mail key, and he was supposed to go out while the mailman was here this morning to get the mail. Well, he went out, he was here, and T came back in to wait till he was done with ours, and 15 minutes later when T decided to go back out, he was gone. I told him multiple times to go out there and he just wanted to lay down! Given the state my hair was in, and the severe stomach pains I’ve been having all morning, I couldn’t really go do it… plus I did it last time. It really pisses me off when his laziness fucks things up.

He insists on going to the mall with me too. He’s been on this kick lately about us spending time together. We’re home together all fucking day… all we DO is spend time together!!! When I get out of the house, I want to have some me time. Especially at the mall…. the mall and the library are the places I go by myself. He knows that too! It really ticks me off when he insists on tagging along when I just want some time by myself. There have even been a few times when he’s accused me of lying to him about where I’m going – he thinks I’m sneaking around with other guys! WTF??? I have NEVER cheated on him, and it really pisses me off that he doesn’t trust me enough to let me out of the house by myself.

Today has definitely started out on the wrong foot.

escape from Utah

I’ve been neglecting my blog this morning because I got distracted… I found some fabulous new fashion blogs (blushing ambition & fashion for writers), some spiffy new stores (revolve clothing) and an awesome new fashion community (lookbook.nu). Unfortunately I can’t join the community (it’s invite only), which makes me very sad, but I can look and comment using my face book profile. Hopefully I can make a friend on there who will invite me! Some of the girls on there are *amazing*… I’ve already got ideas for lots of new outfits. I want to go shopping so badly! I hate being broke!

Part of my strong desire for a new summer wardrobe stems from the recent decision to move to California… Hesperia, to be exact. We’ll be moving in with T’s dad, step mom, step brother & step sister. I’m nervous, and excited, and terrified, and anxious, and worried, and exhilarated all at once. I think things will get better if we can get away from all of the negative energy and bad influences here in Utah. And if things don’t work out, we can always come back to Salt Lake in a few months.

What people don’t understand is that Utah is a completely different world than the rest of the US… some people are made to live here, within this little bubble, for their entire lives. I’m not. I can sense that there is life and light and adventure beyond the state borders, and I want desperately to get out and experience it. I’m sure it will lead to a whole new set of mistakes, but I refuse to repeat the ones that I have already made.

Now that I’ve made the decision, I want to go NOW… I’m too excited to wait. But I have to. Travis will hopefully be starting a new job on Monday (hopefully me too!), and we need to make some money before we go. We’re probably moving the last weekend in April – which is only two weeks away! I thought it was further than that… then I looked at a calendar last night. Wow! I’m considering pushing it back to the next weekend… but I don’t know. We’ll see what we can work out with our landlord I guess.

I posted on my Facebook that I was moving to CA… and my ex/best friend (we’ll call him TC) sent me an email… normally I’m really good at hiding my emotions until I can be alone, but when I read it I immediately broke down crying in front of T. It was all about how he doesn’t want me to go, he still loves me, he doesn’t think T actually loves me, he just wants to make me happy, etc etc etc. I sent him one back explaining my feelings for him (I’ll always love him) but that I have good reasons for going. There is no future for me here in Utah. There is only darkness and despair and a constant cycle of repeated mistakes.

It’s going to be hard. And there is a vast potential for things to go wrong.

But there is that same potential for things to go RIGHT.

And no matter how hard this gets, I have to do this to save my life.

I’m going to go take a shower now, and try out one of my new outfits. I’ll post a picture later, so come back often.

I have a feeling today will be a very post-full day.

he’s kind of a drama queen

He refused to let me sleep in the extra bedroom last night. He freaked out and overreacted, no doubt hoping to manipulate me by getting angry and threatening to leave.

He makes me so fucking mad.

I am so sick of this cycle. I’m miserable and unhappy and terrified to be myself. I feel cut off from my friends and my family. I feel so incredibly alone despite the fact that I live with three other people. I never get to see the only people I trust enough to confide in.

I feel so alone.