Tag Archives: marriage

it’s been a long week – and it’s only tuesday

Okay, so I really fail at updating my blog over the last week. Things have been crazy. Sorry blog and blog friends 😦

Travis and I had a hunormous fight the other night that very nearly ended in me walking the 600 miles home. It was a bad one. And while I understand his point of view, the argument only happened due to his inability to understand my point of view, despite how many times I have explained myself. And it’s really starting to piss me off. He has a tendency to be extremely inconsiderate and insensitive sometimes over certain issues and it causes a lot of stress for our relationship. There are only two things we ever argue about: sex and money. UGH – Men! But, we’ve worked it out (for the time being, at least), and both agreed to work on our parts of the deal. I think we can fix it… we just have to try a little harder than we have been.

So then, Vince (my cat) went missing for an entire day – I worry entirely too much about my cats. A couple hours I could handle, but he went missing about noon and wasn’t home by midnight when I went to bed. I was skeered, to say the least. Travis went out to check the door at about 4:30 a.m. and found him – in the garage, that we’d torn apart and checked 4 times already. Damn cat.

And then my mom told me she can’t hold up her end of the financial arrangement we made with her this month, which put us in a tight spot for our end of the month obligations. We did get Travis’s 401k check today (thank God), but all of the banks wanted to hold it for at least 5 days, and we have something we must pay on Friday, so we had to pay $80 just to cash the damn thing.

I did get to do a little shopping today though, and I will finally be able to organize my clothes, set up my closet and get my bedroom together. Plus, we’re going to the mall tomorrow – yay!!!

We went to Wal-Mart to obtain some caffeine, and I decided to check the clearance section again, just for kicks and giggles, and I’m so glad I did! I’ve been desperately searching for a denim button up, and I snagged a Miley Cyrus destroyed denim shirt for $7!!! I also picked up an L.E.I. yellow & brown & white plaid button up shirt dress for $7. How sweet is that? 🙂 There was a pair of shorts I strongly considered getting… They were white with a floral pattern. They came in two colors: blue or red, and both had a little yellow mixed throughout them. They were only $5… I’m going to the mall tomorrow, and if I don’t find something I like better, I might go back for them. I’m not sure. We’ll see.

But I am super excited about the denim shirt 😀

I do have some outfit photos to share, so I will be back with those either later tonight or tomorrow sometime. I finally got my sleeping schedule fixed, so I function mostly during the day now. Hopefully I can maintain this trend!

In the meantime though, I have a question. Remember the camo pants I wore in this outfit:
White button up & camo pants

Well, that day was actually the first day I’d worn those pants in, well, years. They’re not skinnies, so they’re kind of a pain in the ass to wear with boots, but they are really cute in this outfit. I’m considering cutting them off into shorts, and I think I would wear them a lot more often that way. Plus, that way I get more wear out of them in the summer while the military/desert trend is still hot. What do you kids think?


feelin’ girly

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

Brown Ankle Boots

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

Brown & Gold Accessories

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

[shirt dress: JC Penney] [belt: Charlotte Russe] [tights: Wal-Mart] [boots: Charlotte Russe] [heart necklace, all bracelets, earrings: Charlotte Russe] [gold chain w/multi-colored beads: vintage] [cameo ring: Bebe] [pearl & gold rings: Forever 21] [pink heart ring: Hard Candy]

I *love* this outfit. It’s fun and girly and flirty, and makes me think of summer (which finally seems to be here!). The dress is loose and flowy, perfect for hot summer days. I wear it with tights because my legs are still extremely white (blindingly so), but once I’ve got a bit of color in me I’ll trade the tights for denim shorts and some summer appropriate sandals/wedges. I’m discovering in these photos that this dress makes my girls look much larger than they are – LOL!

The outfit I wore today was pretty damn cute too, and I will likely post those photos tomorrow. I’m on a roll 😀

Things are strained with Travis right now. He’s angry, and I have some suspicions about why, but he won’t talk to me about it – he’s just outright mean to me instead. I wish I could make him understand that I have been a walking anxiety attack since we moved. He doesn’t seem to care and has no respect for the fact that I need some time to adjust to living 600 miles away from my family and the people that I love. I took a huge risk moving down here with him, betting on our relationship and hoping that we can work things out. I still want that. But more than anything, I want him to back off, give me some space and stop being so damned mean to me. Is that so much to ask?

I miss my Mommy 😦

summer fashion advice & fresh start anxiety

Vanity Black Shirt Dress & Express Jeans

Vanity Black Shirt Dress & Express Jeans

Vanity Black Shirt Dress & Express Jeans

Bebe Purse

Vanity Black Shirt Dress & Miley Cyrus Black Zipper Leggings

Miley Cyrus Black Zipper Leggings & Charlotte Russe Wedges

shirt dress, scarf, cross ring: Vanity; jeans: ReRock for Express; wedges: Charlotte Russe; earrings, purse: Bebe; bracelets & locket necklace: Forever 21; black zipper leggings: Miley Cyrus/Max Azria for Wal-Mart

I decided to photograph this outfit two different ways. I could have separated it into two different outfit posts, but IMO that would have been cheating, because it’s essentially the same outfit – I just switched the jeans for shiny black zipper leggings. I love it both ways,  one is a more relaxed day time look (with the jeans) and the other is sexier (with the leggings). I wanted to wear my chains necklace (it’s a darker metal color that matches the cuff bracelet I’m wearing) from Charlotte Russe instead of the locket with this, but as we’re still in the process of moving and getting organized, I haven’t been able to locate it in the mess… I hope it got packed! I’ll cry if I lost it in the move.

In the first few photos, I am wearing my new jeans from Express. I ❤ them so much!!! They’re gorgeous, and they complement my legs and hips perfectly. Next time I photograph them, I will be sure to get some close ups of the top – you can’t see it here, but there are studs all around the belt area and the pockets. Love it!

a little summer accessorizing advice:

If you’re like me, you can’t afford a new wardrobe every season, especially in these tough economic times. IMO, the best way to update your closet without having to spend major $$$ is to update your accessories and shoes to match the current trends and season. Much of the rest stays essentially the same anyway, unless you only buy the most forward of fashion.

Bright colors and crazy details are very in for this season. Think candy colors, like bright pink, neon yellow, turquoise and light purple; nude is also very in right now – think a shade or two lighter or darker than your skin tone. Ruffles are very feminine and attractive, but don’t go overboard or you’ll just end up looking poofy. Zippers, buckles and especially studs are very hot. A belted waist is still very chic and it shows off your curves, so invest in some cute belts! Update your khakis into the current trend by adding accessories with snake skin patterns, cord bracelets, hemp, wooden jewelry, etc – anything safarish.

If you’re only able to buy one or two new pairs of shoes this season, make sure to get at least one super high wedge! Extra points if it’s a peep toe. They are super comfy, crazy sexy, and so chic! I got these ones at Charlotte Russe for just $15.99 and I practically live in them. Wedges are perfect for those of us who love heels but have a hard time walking in stilettos. Detailing like buckles, zippers and studs give them a unique edge, but the wedge makes them fun and playful, a perfect combo for summertime.

One splurge every woman should indulge herself in is a designer  purse. The right bag will match just about every outfit you own without having to try, will last ages and all sorts of abuse, and will travel everywhere with you. It’s worth the extra $$$ because you’ll probably end up using it just about every day, and you’ll get so many extra miles out of one that’s well made!

-Update blog every day, at least once daily
-Outfit posts at least three times weekly
-Write in journal daily
-Find a job by the end of May
-Meditate daily
-Exercise at least 3-4 times weekly

I’ve decided that my Fresh Start needs some goals to give me some direction. I’ve been here for almost a week and I haven’t gotten a damn thing done. I’ve been so tired… sleeping till 4 in the afternoon every day! Could have something to do with how late I’ve been staying up, but I think there is more to it than that. I was really sick last week, and I think part of my exhaustion and oversleeping stems from not really giving my body enough time to recuperate, especially with how very little I slept over the weekend. I think another part, the biggest part of it, is from anxiety and depression resulting from The Move. I want to make things work here, but I want to make them work on my terms, no one else’s. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that’s going to be possible… We’re living with T’s parents, so we have to please them, and T is also starting to pressure me about other aspects of our marriage he wants to work on. Personally, I would rather get settled here and let those things work themselves out, as I’m sure they eventually would. I don’t think he’s going to be very patient about it, though, and I think him rushing things is going to make things significantly worse rather than better. I just wish he would understand that.

I was really excited about The Move pre-move, but now that we have actually moved I finally have time to feel the anxiety that accompanies such a huge change in one’s life (and location). I feel… displaced. I miss my mommy and daddy and I wonder if I really will be able to find my place here. There were a lot of things that I hated about Utah, but I was comfortable there. I knew where things were and how things worked. Here is very different from there.

I think once I get a job and I have some money to go do the things I was excited about being able to do in California, some of that anxiety and that sense of displacement will dissipate. But at the same time, thinking about getting a job makes me feel even more anxious. New people and new situations scare and intimidate me. I think I will give myself the weekend to get to know my new town and adjust, and start the job hunt in earnest on Monday. Honestly, it would be bad ass if I can get a job at the mall or a clothing store, at least until I can find something more suited to my qualifications. Retail is easy.

So for now, I’m going to focus on this blog, and on getting settled here and finding a job. Those are the top three things on my list, and my goals will help me to achieve these things. I need to get comfortable in my new surroundings, and the best way to do that is to get to know them and to adjust my living quarters into something familiar. I miss my furniture and all of my space, but I will have to learn to make do with what I have. I need a bookcase desperately, but I can get one when I get a job. Everything seems to hinge on getting a job and making money.

The stress and anxiety of this new situation make it hard to not want to fall back into old, bad habits… it’s a good thing we no longer have access to the people we used to hang out with. A downside to that though is that my body seems to want to replace those habits with comfort food… I really need to find some new, healthier outlets for expressing and reducing stress. I wish I could afford a gym membership!

I really need to find a job, ASAP.

Sorry for the ridiculously long post…

UGH – men!

OMG – he actually got pissed because I wanted to take a shower by myself.

He gets angry and upset any time I want to do anything by myself. He seems to interpret me wanting “me” time as me wanting a divorce… I have no idea how he makes that huge leap, but he does. So me taking my own shower is somehow a sign that I’m going to cheat on him and leave him.

UGH. Men. Whatever.

I have an interview at 2:00 this afternoon… Kinda feels like a waste of time though. I really don’t want to go.

New additions are forthcoming. I’m working on this while he’s taking his own shower… I wish he would hurry!

escape from Utah

I’ve been neglecting my blog this morning because I got distracted… I found some fabulous new fashion blogs (blushing ambition & fashion for writers), some spiffy new stores (revolve clothing) and an awesome new fashion community (lookbook.nu). Unfortunately I can’t join the community (it’s invite only), which makes me very sad, but I can look and comment using my face book profile. Hopefully I can make a friend on there who will invite me! Some of the girls on there are *amazing*… I’ve already got ideas for lots of new outfits. I want to go shopping so badly! I hate being broke!

Part of my strong desire for a new summer wardrobe stems from the recent decision to move to California… Hesperia, to be exact. We’ll be moving in with T’s dad, step mom, step brother & step sister. I’m nervous, and excited, and terrified, and anxious, and worried, and exhilarated all at once. I think things will get better if we can get away from all of the negative energy and bad influences here in Utah. And if things don’t work out, we can always come back to Salt Lake in a few months.

What people don’t understand is that Utah is a completely different world than the rest of the US… some people are made to live here, within this little bubble, for their entire lives. I’m not. I can sense that there is life and light and adventure beyond the state borders, and I want desperately to get out and experience it. I’m sure it will lead to a whole new set of mistakes, but I refuse to repeat the ones that I have already made.

Now that I’ve made the decision, I want to go NOW… I’m too excited to wait. But I have to. Travis will hopefully be starting a new job on Monday (hopefully me too!), and we need to make some money before we go. We’re probably moving the last weekend in April – which is only two weeks away! I thought it was further than that… then I looked at a calendar last night. Wow! I’m considering pushing it back to the next weekend… but I don’t know. We’ll see what we can work out with our landlord I guess.

I posted on my Facebook that I was moving to CA… and my ex/best friend (we’ll call him TC) sent me an email… normally I’m really good at hiding my emotions until I can be alone, but when I read it I immediately broke down crying in front of T. It was all about how he doesn’t want me to go, he still loves me, he doesn’t think T actually loves me, he just wants to make me happy, etc etc etc. I sent him one back explaining my feelings for him (I’ll always love him) but that I have good reasons for going. There is no future for me here in Utah. There is only darkness and despair and a constant cycle of repeated mistakes.

It’s going to be hard. And there is a vast potential for things to go wrong.

But there is that same potential for things to go RIGHT.

And no matter how hard this gets, I have to do this to save my life.

I’m going to go take a shower now, and try out one of my new outfits. I’ll post a picture later, so come back often.

I have a feeling today will be a very post-full day.

he’s kind of a drama queen

He refused to let me sleep in the extra bedroom last night. He freaked out and overreacted, no doubt hoping to manipulate me by getting angry and threatening to leave.

He makes me so fucking mad.

I am so sick of this cycle. I’m miserable and unhappy and terrified to be myself. I feel cut off from my friends and my family. I feel so incredibly alone despite the fact that I live with three other people. I never get to see the only people I trust enough to confide in.

I feel so alone.

drowsy blogging

Today was just another reminder that everything[one] is his; and it[they] will all go with him if he leaves.

I want to sleep by myself tonight. And he’s freaking out, thinking that means he should leave.

Why can’t he understand that I just want some time to myself tonight? I don’t make decisions like this in a split second. I need to decide what my plan for my life is from this point. There are so many HUGE decisions looming before us. I want to take the necessary time to make sure that I am doing what’s RIGHT for ME, and not just easier and less painful for the most people involved.

That doesn’t mean that I want him to leave; that simply means that I want him to leave me alone and stop glaring at me and demanding whether or not I’ve made a decision.

I just want to be sure that I make the best possible choice for me. I don’t want the next chapter of my life to be another dark one.

I am falling asleep as I type. Maybe I should go to bed.