Tag Archives: anxiety

it’s been a long week – and it’s only tuesday

Okay, so I really fail at updating my blog over the last week. Things have been crazy. Sorry blog and blog friends 😦

Travis and I had a hunormous fight the other night that very nearly ended in me walking the 600 miles home. It was a bad one. And while I understand his point of view, the argument only happened due to his inability to understand my point of view, despite how many times I have explained myself. And it’s really starting to piss me off. He has a tendency to be extremely inconsiderate and insensitive sometimes over certain issues and it causes a lot of stress for our relationship. There are only two things we ever argue about: sex and money. UGH – Men! But, we’ve worked it out (for the time being, at least), and both agreed to work on our parts of the deal. I think we can fix it… we just have to try a little harder than we have been.

So then, Vince (my cat) went missing for an entire day – I worry entirely too much about my cats. A couple hours I could handle, but he went missing about noon and wasn’t home by midnight when I went to bed. I was skeered, to say the least. Travis went out to check the door at about 4:30 a.m. and found him – in the garage, that we’d torn apart and checked 4 times already. Damn cat.

And then my mom told me she can’t hold up her end of the financial arrangement we made with her this month, which put us in a tight spot for our end of the month obligations. We did get Travis’s 401k check today (thank God), but all of the banks wanted to hold it for at least 5 days, and we have something we must pay on Friday, so we had to pay $80 just to cash the damn thing.

I did get to do a little shopping today though, and I will finally be able to organize my clothes, set up my closet and get my bedroom together. Plus, we’re going to the mall tomorrow – yay!!!

We went to Wal-Mart to obtain some caffeine, and I decided to check the clearance section again, just for kicks and giggles, and I’m so glad I did! I’ve been desperately searching for a denim button up, and I snagged a Miley Cyrus destroyed denim shirt for $7!!! I also picked up an L.E.I. yellow & brown & white plaid button up shirt dress for $7. How sweet is that? 🙂 There was a pair of shorts I strongly considered getting… They were white with a floral pattern. They came in two colors: blue or red, and both had a little yellow mixed throughout them. They were only $5… I’m going to the mall tomorrow, and if I don’t find something I like better, I might go back for them. I’m not sure. We’ll see.

But I am super excited about the denim shirt 😀

I do have some outfit photos to share, so I will be back with those either later tonight or tomorrow sometime. I finally got my sleeping schedule fixed, so I function mostly during the day now. Hopefully I can maintain this trend!

In the meantime though, I have a question. Remember the camo pants I wore in this outfit:
White button up & camo pants

Well, that day was actually the first day I’d worn those pants in, well, years. They’re not skinnies, so they’re kind of a pain in the ass to wear with boots, but they are really cute in this outfit. I’m considering cutting them off into shorts, and I think I would wear them a lot more often that way. Plus, that way I get more wear out of them in the summer while the military/desert trend is still hot. What do you kids think?


I’ve had better…

…days. Seriously. Today I just feel like poop.

playin’ some pool

Kohl's Brown Cardigan + Denim Shorts

Qupid Brown Oxfords

Kohl's Brown Cardigan

Vanity Studded Purse

Kohl's Brown Cardigan

brown cardigan [Kohl’s] green lace tank [Aeropostale] denim shorts [Vanity] brown tights [Wal-Mart] studded purse [Vanity] shoes [Qupid from Forever Young] wooden bangle & earrings [Charlotte Russe] necklace [vintage]

Vote for this outfit on Chictopia and on Mode Republic – pretty please??? 🙂

First time I’ve ever worn this cardigan, although I have had it for a while. Also my first true experiment with color & with the shorts-over-tights trend. I like it. Makes my butt look fantastic, although also seems to highlight the fact that I really need to work on some other areas. I wish I had textured brown tights, I think the texture would have given this outfit a little more oomph, but I think the solid ones work too. The purse is one of my favorites – got it for $5.99 at Vanity! And it goes with this outfit perfectly. I feel like I’ve been over-accessorizing recently, so I decided to keep it very simple with this outfit, just a casual necklace-bangle-earrings combo. Definitely felt like the right mix for this outfit.

As I said at the top of the post, I feel crummy today. Been here for almost two weeks, and I think that today has been the worst for me – I feel horrible physically, emotionally and mentally. I want to go home so badly I think I might cry. We have no money and I feel like such a burden to Travis’s already heavily laden parents. I wish we could contribute. And I hate being lectured. I know there are things I need to do, and I’m doing my best, but reminding me only makes me feel worse. They’re actually a lot better about it than Travis’s mom and step dad, but right now I am kind of fragile and even small doses of pressure seem to push me further toward the edge. I think I will feel better about the move once we find jobs, and once we get my pay check from DaVinci in Utah and Travis’s 401k money. Until then, I’m just going to be one massive ball of nerves knotted up tightly. Thus far, my plan has been to avoid Travis’s parents at all costs, but they both have a 3-day weekend this weekend, and that’s going to make my coping strategy difficult to stick to.

I think I’ll go for a walk tomorrow. It’ll get me out of the house and away from the pressure, so much needed fresh air and sunlight. Hopefully I can talk Travis into letting me go alone. I feel so cornered and alone here. This is his family. I love them, but I will never be a part of it like he is. I’ve always needed time on my own, to cope and to deal with my issues by myself, and I just wish he would understand that. I’ve always been by myself, even when I lived with my family. Some days I think I’ll always be this way: alone, stuck inside my own head, unable to truly connect with another human being.

Everyone always leaves. Usually it’s me.

feelin’ girly

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

Brown Ankle Boots

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

Brown & Gold Accessories

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

[shirt dress: JC Penney] [belt: Charlotte Russe] [tights: Wal-Mart] [boots: Charlotte Russe] [heart necklace, all bracelets, earrings: Charlotte Russe] [gold chain w/multi-colored beads: vintage] [cameo ring: Bebe] [pearl & gold rings: Forever 21] [pink heart ring: Hard Candy]

I *love* this outfit. It’s fun and girly and flirty, and makes me think of summer (which finally seems to be here!). The dress is loose and flowy, perfect for hot summer days. I wear it with tights because my legs are still extremely white (blindingly so), but once I’ve got a bit of color in me I’ll trade the tights for denim shorts and some summer appropriate sandals/wedges. I’m discovering in these photos that this dress makes my girls look much larger than they are – LOL!

The outfit I wore today was pretty damn cute too, and I will likely post those photos tomorrow. I’m on a roll 😀

Things are strained with Travis right now. He’s angry, and I have some suspicions about why, but he won’t talk to me about it – he’s just outright mean to me instead. I wish I could make him understand that I have been a walking anxiety attack since we moved. He doesn’t seem to care and has no respect for the fact that I need some time to adjust to living 600 miles away from my family and the people that I love. I took a huge risk moving down here with him, betting on our relationship and hoping that we can work things out. I still want that. But more than anything, I want him to back off, give me some space and stop being so damned mean to me. Is that so much to ask?

I miss my Mommy 😦

all dressed up & nowhere to go

Black Studded Drape Top + Destroyed Denim Skirt + Lace Tights

Black Studded Drape Top + Destroyed Denim Skirt + Lace Tights

Studded Lace Tights + Gray Tights

Black Studded Drape Top + Destroyed Denim Skirt + Lace Tights

Black Studded Drape Top + Destroyed Denim Skirt + Lace Tights

top, shoes: Charlotte Russe; denim skirt: Aeropostale; lace studded tights, earrings: bebe; gray tights, bracelets: Forever 21

I love, love, love this top. It’s drapey and flowy and feels good to wear, especially on really hot days. Love it. The studs around the neckline make a necklace unnecessary, which is nice because I still haven’t unpacked most of my jewelry. Should have worn a loose belt around my hips, cocked off to one side like Han Solo – would have been sexy and roguish… but again, many of my belts are still packed away in a box or suitcase somewhere.

I am actually wearing two pairs of tights here – the black, studded lacy pair on top is from Bebe and there is a pair of solid gray ones underneath from Forever 21. This way I get the sexy look of lacy tights without blinding everyone with my incredibly white legs.

Let me apologize now as well for the poor quality of the photos. I desperately need a good camera – right now I am forced to use my motorola cliq, and it only has a 2 megapixel camera! Great for a phone, but terrible for trying to actually photograph anything.

The last couple of days I’ve really felt like getting all dolled up, but we don’t have any money to go anywhere or do anything… it almost feels pointless to get out of bed in the morning. It’s contributing greatly to my overall sense of depression and anxiety. I actually got up, showered, got all pretty today and then went to Taco Bell… and came home. Honestly, getting all pretty like this was moderately pointless but it made me feel better. I have an idea for what I am going to wear for my next outfit post, but I am seriously considering giving myself tomorrow off and not pressuring myself about anything. I think part of why I am so tired is because my body hasn’t fully recuperated from being sick last week and then the major loss of sleep over the weekend. I think I need a stress free day where I can just focus on getting settled in my new place. I will definitely post tomorrow, but honestly I doubt it will contain an outfit.

If I can get everything settled tomorrow, I hope to go explore the town a bit on Monday, and I will definitely post an outfit then. Hopefully I will be able to take those pictures outside, with a new setting (other than my kitchen and living room) and better lighting.

In the meantime, be sure to check out my dear friends over at Wicked Plum Vintage. I received the earrings I won in their contest, but I have yet to style them… that is another outfit post that will be coming up very, very soon – by the middle of the week, I’m hoping, so stay tuned!

summer fashion advice & fresh start anxiety

Vanity Black Shirt Dress & Express Jeans

Vanity Black Shirt Dress & Express Jeans

Vanity Black Shirt Dress & Express Jeans

Bebe Purse

Vanity Black Shirt Dress & Miley Cyrus Black Zipper Leggings

Miley Cyrus Black Zipper Leggings & Charlotte Russe Wedges

shirt dress, scarf, cross ring: Vanity; jeans: ReRock for Express; wedges: Charlotte Russe; earrings, purse: Bebe; bracelets & locket necklace: Forever 21; black zipper leggings: Miley Cyrus/Max Azria for Wal-Mart

I decided to photograph this outfit two different ways. I could have separated it into two different outfit posts, but IMO that would have been cheating, because it’s essentially the same outfit – I just switched the jeans for shiny black zipper leggings. I love it both ways,  one is a more relaxed day time look (with the jeans) and the other is sexier (with the leggings). I wanted to wear my chains necklace (it’s a darker metal color that matches the cuff bracelet I’m wearing) from Charlotte Russe instead of the locket with this, but as we’re still in the process of moving and getting organized, I haven’t been able to locate it in the mess… I hope it got packed! I’ll cry if I lost it in the move.

In the first few photos, I am wearing my new jeans from Express. I ❤ them so much!!! They’re gorgeous, and they complement my legs and hips perfectly. Next time I photograph them, I will be sure to get some close ups of the top – you can’t see it here, but there are studs all around the belt area and the pockets. Love it!

a little summer accessorizing advice:

If you’re like me, you can’t afford a new wardrobe every season, especially in these tough economic times. IMO, the best way to update your closet without having to spend major $$$ is to update your accessories and shoes to match the current trends and season. Much of the rest stays essentially the same anyway, unless you only buy the most forward of fashion.

Bright colors and crazy details are very in for this season. Think candy colors, like bright pink, neon yellow, turquoise and light purple; nude is also very in right now – think a shade or two lighter or darker than your skin tone. Ruffles are very feminine and attractive, but don’t go overboard or you’ll just end up looking poofy. Zippers, buckles and especially studs are very hot. A belted waist is still very chic and it shows off your curves, so invest in some cute belts! Update your khakis into the current trend by adding accessories with snake skin patterns, cord bracelets, hemp, wooden jewelry, etc – anything safarish.

If you’re only able to buy one or two new pairs of shoes this season, make sure to get at least one super high wedge! Extra points if it’s a peep toe. They are super comfy, crazy sexy, and so chic! I got these ones at Charlotte Russe for just $15.99 and I practically live in them. Wedges are perfect for those of us who love heels but have a hard time walking in stilettos. Detailing like buckles, zippers and studs give them a unique edge, but the wedge makes them fun and playful, a perfect combo for summertime.

One splurge every woman should indulge herself in is a designer  purse. The right bag will match just about every outfit you own without having to try, will last ages and all sorts of abuse, and will travel everywhere with you. It’s worth the extra $$$ because you’ll probably end up using it just about every day, and you’ll get so many extra miles out of one that’s well made!

-Update blog every day, at least once daily
-Outfit posts at least three times weekly
-Write in journal daily
-Find a job by the end of May
-Meditate daily
-Exercise at least 3-4 times weekly

I’ve decided that my Fresh Start needs some goals to give me some direction. I’ve been here for almost a week and I haven’t gotten a damn thing done. I’ve been so tired… sleeping till 4 in the afternoon every day! Could have something to do with how late I’ve been staying up, but I think there is more to it than that. I was really sick last week, and I think part of my exhaustion and oversleeping stems from not really giving my body enough time to recuperate, especially with how very little I slept over the weekend. I think another part, the biggest part of it, is from anxiety and depression resulting from The Move. I want to make things work here, but I want to make them work on my terms, no one else’s. Unfortunately, I’m not sure that’s going to be possible… We’re living with T’s parents, so we have to please them, and T is also starting to pressure me about other aspects of our marriage he wants to work on. Personally, I would rather get settled here and let those things work themselves out, as I’m sure they eventually would. I don’t think he’s going to be very patient about it, though, and I think him rushing things is going to make things significantly worse rather than better. I just wish he would understand that.

I was really excited about The Move pre-move, but now that we have actually moved I finally have time to feel the anxiety that accompanies such a huge change in one’s life (and location). I feel… displaced. I miss my mommy and daddy and I wonder if I really will be able to find my place here. There were a lot of things that I hated about Utah, but I was comfortable there. I knew where things were and how things worked. Here is very different from there.

I think once I get a job and I have some money to go do the things I was excited about being able to do in California, some of that anxiety and that sense of displacement will dissipate. But at the same time, thinking about getting a job makes me feel even more anxious. New people and new situations scare and intimidate me. I think I will give myself the weekend to get to know my new town and adjust, and start the job hunt in earnest on Monday. Honestly, it would be bad ass if I can get a job at the mall or a clothing store, at least until I can find something more suited to my qualifications. Retail is easy.

So for now, I’m going to focus on this blog, and on getting settled here and finding a job. Those are the top three things on my list, and my goals will help me to achieve these things. I need to get comfortable in my new surroundings, and the best way to do that is to get to know them and to adjust my living quarters into something familiar. I miss my furniture and all of my space, but I will have to learn to make do with what I have. I need a bookcase desperately, but I can get one when I get a job. Everything seems to hinge on getting a job and making money.

The stress and anxiety of this new situation make it hard to not want to fall back into old, bad habits… it’s a good thing we no longer have access to the people we used to hang out with. A downside to that though is that my body seems to want to replace those habits with comfort food… I really need to find some new, healthier outlets for expressing and reducing stress. I wish I could afford a gym membership!

I really need to find a job, ASAP.

Sorry for the ridiculously long post…