Category Archives: His & Hers

it’s been a long week – and it’s only tuesday

Okay, so I really fail at updating my blog over the last week. Things have been crazy. Sorry blog and blog friends 😦

Travis and I had a hunormous fight the other night that very nearly ended in me walking the 600 miles home. It was a bad one. And while I understand his point of view, the argument only happened due to his inability to understand my point of view, despite how many times I have explained myself. And it’s really starting to piss me off. He has a tendency to be extremely inconsiderate and insensitive sometimes over certain issues and it causes a lot of stress for our relationship. There are only two things we ever argue about: sex and money. UGH – Men! But, we’ve worked it out (for the time being, at least), and both agreed to work on our parts of the deal. I think we can fix it… we just have to try a little harder than we have been.

So then, Vince (my cat) went missing for an entire day – I worry entirely too much about my cats. A couple hours I could handle, but he went missing about noon and wasn’t home by midnight when I went to bed. I was skeered, to say the least. Travis went out to check the door at about 4:30 a.m. and found him – in the garage, that we’d torn apart and checked 4 times already. Damn cat.

And then my mom told me she can’t hold up her end of the financial arrangement we made with her this month, which put us in a tight spot for our end of the month obligations. We did get Travis’s 401k check today (thank God), but all of the banks wanted to hold it for at least 5 days, and we have something we must pay on Friday, so we had to pay $80 just to cash the damn thing.

I did get to do a little shopping today though, and I will finally be able to organize my clothes, set up my closet and get my bedroom together. Plus, we’re going to the mall tomorrow – yay!!!

We went to Wal-Mart to obtain some caffeine, and I decided to check the clearance section again, just for kicks and giggles, and I’m so glad I did! I’ve been desperately searching for a denim button up, and I snagged a Miley Cyrus destroyed denim shirt for $7!!! I also picked up an L.E.I. yellow & brown & white plaid button up shirt dress for $7. How sweet is that? 🙂 There was a pair of shorts I strongly considered getting… They were white with a floral pattern. They came in two colors: blue or red, and both had a little yellow mixed throughout them. They were only $5… I’m going to the mall tomorrow, and if I don’t find something I like better, I might go back for them. I’m not sure. We’ll see.

But I am super excited about the denim shirt 😀

I do have some outfit photos to share, so I will be back with those either later tonight or tomorrow sometime. I finally got my sleeping schedule fixed, so I function mostly during the day now. Hopefully I can maintain this trend!

In the meantime though, I have a question. Remember the camo pants I wore in this outfit:
White button up & camo pants

Well, that day was actually the first day I’d worn those pants in, well, years. They’re not skinnies, so they’re kind of a pain in the ass to wear with boots, but they are really cute in this outfit. I’m considering cutting them off into shorts, and I think I would wear them a lot more often that way. Plus, that way I get more wear out of them in the summer while the military/desert trend is still hot. What do you kids think?


feelin’ girly

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

Brown Ankle Boots

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

Brown & Gold Accessories

Tan & Pink Plaid Shirt Dress

[shirt dress: JC Penney] [belt: Charlotte Russe] [tights: Wal-Mart] [boots: Charlotte Russe] [heart necklace, all bracelets, earrings: Charlotte Russe] [gold chain w/multi-colored beads: vintage] [cameo ring: Bebe] [pearl & gold rings: Forever 21] [pink heart ring: Hard Candy]

I *love* this outfit. It’s fun and girly and flirty, and makes me think of summer (which finally seems to be here!). The dress is loose and flowy, perfect for hot summer days. I wear it with tights because my legs are still extremely white (blindingly so), but once I’ve got a bit of color in me I’ll trade the tights for denim shorts and some summer appropriate sandals/wedges. I’m discovering in these photos that this dress makes my girls look much larger than they are – LOL!

The outfit I wore today was pretty damn cute too, and I will likely post those photos tomorrow. I’m on a roll 😀

Things are strained with Travis right now. He’s angry, and I have some suspicions about why, but he won’t talk to me about it – he’s just outright mean to me instead. I wish I could make him understand that I have been a walking anxiety attack since we moved. He doesn’t seem to care and has no respect for the fact that I need some time to adjust to living 600 miles away from my family and the people that I love. I took a huge risk moving down here with him, betting on our relationship and hoping that we can work things out. I still want that. But more than anything, I want him to back off, give me some space and stop being so damned mean to me. Is that so much to ask?

I miss my Mommy 😦

wrong side of the bed

Good morning! Just got up. I’m going to shower and get cute here momentarily so I can go to the mall and get my shoes 😀 I’m so excited!

T has managed to piss me off already this morning. We lost our mail key, and he was supposed to go out while the mailman was here this morning to get the mail. Well, he went out, he was here, and T came back in to wait till he was done with ours, and 15 minutes later when T decided to go back out, he was gone. I told him multiple times to go out there and he just wanted to lay down! Given the state my hair was in, and the severe stomach pains I’ve been having all morning, I couldn’t really go do it… plus I did it last time. It really pisses me off when his laziness fucks things up.

He insists on going to the mall with me too. He’s been on this kick lately about us spending time together. We’re home together all fucking day… all we DO is spend time together!!! When I get out of the house, I want to have some me time. Especially at the mall…. the mall and the library are the places I go by myself. He knows that too! It really ticks me off when he insists on tagging along when I just want some time by myself. There have even been a few times when he’s accused me of lying to him about where I’m going – he thinks I’m sneaking around with other guys! WTF??? I have NEVER cheated on him, and it really pisses me off that he doesn’t trust me enough to let me out of the house by myself.

Today has definitely started out on the wrong foot.

he’s kind of a drama queen

He refused to let me sleep in the extra bedroom last night. He freaked out and overreacted, no doubt hoping to manipulate me by getting angry and threatening to leave.

He makes me so fucking mad.

I am so sick of this cycle. I’m miserable and unhappy and terrified to be myself. I feel cut off from my friends and my family. I feel so incredibly alone despite the fact that I live with three other people. I never get to see the only people I trust enough to confide in.

I feel so alone.

drowsy blogging

Today was just another reminder that everything[one] is his; and it[they] will all go with him if he leaves.

I want to sleep by myself tonight. And he’s freaking out, thinking that means he should leave.

Why can’t he understand that I just want some time to myself tonight? I don’t make decisions like this in a split second. I need to decide what my plan for my life is from this point. There are so many HUGE decisions looming before us. I want to take the necessary time to make sure that I am doing what’s RIGHT for ME, and not just easier and less painful for the most people involved.

That doesn’t mean that I want him to leave; that simply means that I want him to leave me alone and stop glaring at me and demanding whether or not I’ve made a decision.

I just want to be sure that I make the best possible choice for me. I don’t want the next chapter of my life to be another dark one.

I am falling asleep as I type. Maybe I should go to bed.

right to privacy

T logged in to my facebook and read all of my messages with my best friend (who lives in NJ). These messages mentioned my convo with the ex, and that the ex had invited my over tonight, and that the sex with him was always good. So naturally he assumed that I was cheating on him.


The messages went into great detail about how I’m unhappy with our marriage, I’m considering divorce, and I’m not sure if I want to move to CA with him because I’m afraid we’ll get there and our marriage will finish dissolving. Regarding that, he said he would do better and fix things, if I wanted him to. Otherwise he’ll move to CA by himself.

There is never any middle ground with him. It’s always all or nothing – actually, his way or the highway. He is so incredibly self-centered.

I freely admit that I have made more than my fair share of mistakes in this marriage. But this is the fourth time he has violated my privacy. I told him after the first time that if he did it again, our marriage would be over. But he’s done it several times since, showing a callous disregard for my feelings and my privacy. He pisses me off to no fucking end.

The way I see it, even though we’re married, we’re still individuals, and in order to truly respect someone as a person you have to respect their privacy. Being married doesn’t give him full rights to my life. It’s not so much about having anything to hide as it is about having things I’d rather keep private. Sure, I *could* be confessing some sordid affair to my best friend… but it’s also possible that my best friend is confessing information that he has no business whatsoever knowing. Or maybe I just needed to blow off some steam about the last fight we had; the things I say to my best friend don’t always mean anything and telling him would cause more hurt than good. Sometimes I just need some objective advice about something and I’m not READY to talk to him about it at that very second.

If I wanted him to know, I would have sent him the message. But just because I don’t want him to know, it doesn’t mean it’s something that I’m trying to hide. In fact, the only thing that it means was that it doesn’t mean anything, and I didn’t want to cause unnecessary drama by telling him.

I seriously wonder if this blog has been compromised.

You know what?

Fuck him.

Last night he said he’s going to start thinking about what he wants and what’s best for him, and not worry about anyone else. Direct fucking quote.

So I’ll do the same. It’s time I put my needs above everyone else, including – especially – his.

I think I’ll be sleeping alone tonight. I need some space in between me and him. I would leave, but he has the car keys, and I doubt he’ll give them to me. I’m sure he’d think I’d be running off to have sex with my ex.

I’m so tired I think I’m hallucinating.

Maybe I should just leave.

Not to have sex with my ex.

But to give myself something I desperately need but that he refuses to give me: space. Some time to be my own, weak self, and to make my own decision without him breathing down my neck.

self imposed insomnia

I’m absolutely exhausted. I should go to bed, but I keep telling myself I have far too much to do to indulge myself in sleep. That argument would hold more water if I weren’t wasting my night on Facebook.

Saturday was a complete waste… I will go to bed, but only because I want to start Sunday off fresh. Sunday will be productive. Sunday will be a new day, one that will actually mean something.

My stomach is killing me. I seriously need to start eating better – and significantly less. I currently weigh 134.4 lbs, with a BMI of 21.0. Ugh. I want to get back down to 118 lbs. Eventually I’d like to get down to 105 lbs. Starting Sunday, I will restrict… Sunday’s max is 1500 calories. I’m going to go grocery shopping and stock up on healthy, low calorie things to snack on, and diet soda. I think cutting back on soda would do wonders for my weight and my stomach problems. Drinking more water would probably help immensely too.

I realize that Sunday is Easter, but my family isn’t really doing much of anything to celebrate it this year, and I definitely don’t want to celebrate with T’s family. I’m not even Christian, so I don’t see any point in celebrating by myself. I’ll wait for Beltane… trust me, the Pagan version is a hell of a lot more fun!

Sunday will be a day of clearing my planner’s back log, getting things done, and restarting my body’s metabolism. In fact, I think I will go on a cleanse for three days. Natural foods and juices only. And I’m going to deep clean my house. I think that clearing my body and my environment of negative energies and clutter and junk will help my state of mind significantly.

So it’s decided… Sunday, Monday and Tuesday will be days of healthy foods, house cleaning and spiritual cleansing. Maybe it will help me get back on track.

I have a job interview on Monday at noon. I have a pretty good feeling about it. The woman I spoke with to arrange the interview seems really nice. I’m actually kind of excited about it… I want to go back to work, especially now that T is out of work too. Thinking I will write/perform a small spell to help me get a job as well. I’m actually hoping to get at least two jobs, a f/t and a p/t one, until we can get caught up… which I’m seriously thinking might be never.

I’m still kind of steamed at T for getting fired, but there isn’t much we can do about it now, and yelling at him for it will just make things worse. I’ll give him another day to feel sorry for himself, then he needs to get his ass in gear and find a new job as well. Things are too dire to fuck around right now.

Part of me wants so desperately to leave. To be alone. I want to find me again, and I know that I can’t do that with him constantly looking over my shoulder. But I can’t leave him now. He needs me. And although I need to be alone, to sort through this and figure out what I want, I always take care of others before I take care of me. So I’ll do the best I can, until it all blows up in my face (which it always, inevitably, does).

It’s so nice to write again. Even though this really is just mindless, unimportant dribble that no one really cares about and I very much doubt anyone will read…. it’s nice to get it all out there. To type out every thought as I have it and not give a damn what anyone thinks.

I’m terrified that T will find this blog.
But if he knows me at all, he’ll know not to read it.
But I guarantee he will.
And when he does, our marriage will be over.
Because it will show, once again, that he is completely and entirely unable to respect my privacy and my boundaries as an individual.
And that is something that I can no longer tolerate.


Tomorrow’s post will be more significant.

Good night, dear readers. Sleep tight.