…days. Seriously. Today I just feel like poop.
playin’ some pool
brown cardigan [Kohl’s] green lace tank [Aeropostale] denim shorts [Vanity] brown tights [Wal-Mart] studded purse [Vanity] shoes [Qupid from Forever Young] wooden bangle & earrings [Charlotte Russe] necklace [vintage]
First time I’ve ever worn this cardigan, although I have had it for a while. Also my first true experiment with color & with the shorts-over-tights trend. I like it. Makes my butt look fantastic, although also seems to highlight the fact that I really need to work on some other areas. I wish I had textured brown tights, I think the texture would have given this outfit a little more oomph, but I think the solid ones work too. The purse is one of my favorites – got it for $5.99 at Vanity! And it goes with this outfit perfectly. I feel like I’ve been over-accessorizing recently, so I decided to keep it very simple with this outfit, just a casual necklace-bangle-earrings combo. Definitely felt like the right mix for this outfit.
As I said at the top of the post, I feel crummy today. Been here for almost two weeks, and I think that today has been the worst for me – I feel horrible physically, emotionally and mentally. I want to go home so badly I think I might cry. We have no money and I feel like such a burden to Travis’s already heavily laden parents. I wish we could contribute. And I hate being lectured. I know there are things I need to do, and I’m doing my best, but reminding me only makes me feel worse. They’re actually a lot better about it than Travis’s mom and step dad, but right now I am kind of fragile and even small doses of pressure seem to push me further toward the edge. I think I will feel better about the move once we find jobs, and once we get my pay check from DaVinci in Utah and Travis’s 401k money. Until then, I’m just going to be one massive ball of nerves knotted up tightly. Thus far, my plan has been to avoid Travis’s parents at all costs, but they both have a 3-day weekend this weekend, and that’s going to make my coping strategy difficult to stick to.
I think I’ll go for a walk tomorrow. It’ll get me out of the house and away from the pressure, so much needed fresh air and sunlight. Hopefully I can talk Travis into letting me go alone. I feel so cornered and alone here. This is his family. I love them, but I will never be a part of it like he is. I’ve always needed time on my own, to cope and to deal with my issues by myself, and I just wish he would understand that. I’ve always been by myself, even when I lived with my family. Some days I think I’ll always be this way: alone, stuck inside my own head, unable to truly connect with another human being.
Everyone always leaves. Usually it’s me.