T logged in to my facebook and read all of my messages with my best friend (who lives in NJ). These messages mentioned my convo with the ex, and that the ex had invited my over tonight, and that the sex with him was always good. So naturally he assumed that I was cheating on him.
The messages went into great detail about how I’m unhappy with our marriage, I’m considering divorce, and I’m not sure if I want to move to CA with him because I’m afraid we’ll get there and our marriage will finish dissolving. Regarding that, he said he would do better and fix things, if I wanted him to. Otherwise he’ll move to CA by himself.
There is never any middle ground with him. It’s always all or nothing – actually, his way or the highway. He is so incredibly self-centered.
I freely admit that I have made more than my fair share of mistakes in this marriage. But this is the fourth time he has violated my privacy. I told him after the first time that if he did it again, our marriage would be over. But he’s done it several times since, showing a callous disregard for my feelings and my privacy. He pisses me off to no fucking end.
The way I see it, even though we’re married, we’re still individuals, and in order to truly respect someone as a person you have to respect their privacy. Being married doesn’t give him full rights to my life. It’s not so much about having anything to hide as it is about having things I’d rather keep private. Sure, I *could* be confessing some sordid affair to my best friend… but it’s also possible that my best friend is confessing information that he has no business whatsoever knowing. Or maybe I just needed to blow off some steam about the last fight we had; the things I say to my best friend don’t always mean anything and telling him would cause more hurt than good. Sometimes I just need some objective advice about something and I’m not READY to talk to him about it at that very second.
If I wanted him to know, I would have sent him the message. But just because I don’t want him to know, it doesn’t mean it’s something that I’m trying to hide. In fact, the only thing that it means was that it doesn’t mean anything, and I didn’t want to cause unnecessary drama by telling him.
I seriously wonder if this blog has been compromised.
You know what?
Last night he said he’s going to start thinking about what he wants and what’s best for him, and not worry about anyone else. Direct fucking quote.
So I’ll do the same. It’s time I put my needs above everyone else, including – especially – his.
I think I’ll be sleeping alone tonight. I need some space in between me and him. I would leave, but he has the car keys, and I doubt he’ll give them to me. I’m sure he’d think I’d be running off to have sex with my ex.
I’m so tired I think I’m hallucinating.
Maybe I should just leave.
Not to have sex with my ex.
But to give myself something I desperately need but that he refuses to give me: space. Some time to be my own, weak self, and to make my own decision without him breathing down my neck.