self imposed insomnia

I’m absolutely exhausted. I should go to bed, but I keep telling myself I have far too much to do to indulge myself in sleep. That argument would hold more water if I weren’t wasting my night on Facebook.

Saturday was a complete waste… I will go to bed, but only because I want to start Sunday off fresh. Sunday will be productive. Sunday will be a new day, one that will actually mean something.

My stomach is killing me. I seriously need to start eating better – and significantly less. I currently weigh 134.4 lbs, with a BMI of 21.0. Ugh. I want to get back down to 118 lbs. Eventually I’d like to get down to 105 lbs. Starting Sunday, I will restrict… Sunday’s max is 1500 calories. I’m going to go grocery shopping and stock up on healthy, low calorie things to snack on, and diet soda. I think cutting back on soda would do wonders for my weight and my stomach problems. Drinking more water would probably help immensely too.

I realize that Sunday is Easter, but my family isn’t really doing much of anything to celebrate it this year, and I definitely don’t want to celebrate with T’s family. I’m not even Christian, so I don’t see any point in celebrating by myself. I’ll wait for Beltane… trust me, the Pagan version is a hell of a lot more fun!

Sunday will be a day of clearing my planner’s back log, getting things done, and restarting my body’s metabolism. In fact, I think I will go on a cleanse for three days. Natural foods and juices only. And I’m going to deep clean my house. I think that clearing my body and my environment of negative energies and clutter and junk will help my state of mind significantly.

So it’s decided… Sunday, Monday and Tuesday will be days of healthy foods, house cleaning and spiritual cleansing. Maybe it will help me get back on track.

I have a job interview on Monday at noon. I have a pretty good feeling about it. The woman I spoke with to arrange the interview seems really nice. I’m actually kind of excited about it… I want to go back to work, especially now that T is out of work too. Thinking I will write/perform a small spell to help me get a job as well. I’m actually hoping to get at least two jobs, a f/t and a p/t one, until we can get caught up… which I’m seriously thinking might be never.

I’m still kind of steamed at T for getting fired, but there isn’t much we can do about it now, and yelling at him for it will just make things worse. I’ll give him another day to feel sorry for himself, then he needs to get his ass in gear and find a new job as well. Things are too dire to fuck around right now.

Part of me wants so desperately to leave. To be alone. I want to find me again, and I know that I can’t do that with him constantly looking over my shoulder. But I can’t leave him now. He needs me. And although I need to be alone, to sort through this and figure out what I want, I always take care of others before I take care of me. So I’ll do the best I can, until it all blows up in my face (which it always, inevitably, does).

It’s so nice to write again. Even though this really is just mindless, unimportant dribble that no one really cares about and I very much doubt anyone will read…. it’s nice to get it all out there. To type out every thought as I have it and not give a damn what anyone thinks.

I’m terrified that T will find this blog.
But if he knows me at all, he’ll know not to read it.
But I guarantee he will.
And when he does, our marriage will be over.
Because it will show, once again, that he is completely and entirely unable to respect my privacy and my boundaries as an individual.
And that is something that I can no longer tolerate.

*sighs*

Tomorrow’s post will be more significant.

Good night, dear readers. Sleep tight.

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About Jennifer

Single supermom, fashion nerd, beauty lover, writer/stylist & Cool Kid Extraordinaire. Best mommy to best daughter ever. Snapchat at us @momkumquat View all posts by Jennifer

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