This blog is my newest venture into the world of writing. My life has completely, dramatically changed since the beginning of 2010, and I find myself in need of some serious self re-evaluation. I typically keep a hand written journal, but I’ve also kept various blogs on an off over the last ten years, and I’ve always enjoyed it. There is a lot going on in my head right now that I find myself unable to share with my friends and the people I love. Sometimes it’s easier to bare it all to a stranger – the danger of judgment and rejection is so much smaller. Someone who doesn’t know you (who doesn’t care) is much more likely to tell you the truth.
And I think that’s what I need most of all right now. The truth. Something honest. The rest of my life is built upon a crumbling foundation of beautiful lies and fantasies. I need to start re-building, from the ground up.
I’ve been married for a year and a half now. I care about him, but I think I may have fallen out of love. It makes me sad, and I’m not sure, but I do know that I need some space. I need some time to work things out, but he refuses to give me that time. He’s insecure and afraid to lose, but his death grip on our relationship – on me – is doing so much more harm than good. I feel like I’m being suffocated. I know he needs me, and I do care about him, I don’t ever want to hurt him… so I stay. But I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. Whatever I was supposed to do with my life, it wasn’t this.
So I’ll blog it. I write everything here, let loose with my keyboard the feelings and emotions that I dare not show IRL. This blog is my sanctuary. Feel free to lurk. But know that I am desperate to not feel alone any more, and it is in truth that desperation that drives me to write here. I just want to know that I’m not the only one who feels trapped. I want to know that there is someone out there who made it out, because I want to believe that one day I can too.
“The best part of believe is the lie…”